The word “side” is unique in the English language. It can be used as a root word (as in the side of a building), a suffix (outside), or a prefix (sidecar) – even a sexual identity.
In my day, the choices were gay or straight. The topic of sexual identity was barely discussed, much less elaborated on. So, when I hear the word side, my fat ass thinks of bacon, macaroni and cheese, maybe grits, crinkle fries, sweet potato fries, cross-cut fries… Oh, just me? OK.
In recent years, the sexual spectrum, especially from the LGBTQ+ community, has expanded – and rightfully so – to acknowledge identities beyond the binary. One emerging term is “Side,” representing individuals who may not conform to the traditional Top, Bottom, or Versatile categories.
It may take a minute to wrap your mind around the idea, or you may need to shift your paradigm slightly. Still, if we want to foster a more inclusive and understanding society, we must embrace the new Side dish as much as we would bacon or popcorn shrimp.
The millennial generation has helped refine our understanding of human sexuality, recognizing it as “fluid,” freely ebbing and flowing within nature, rarely settling into one isolated or defined puddle. Understanding sexual fluidity is an important distinction. Everyone deserves the right to define and articulate their own sexual experiences and desires authentically without judgment or pressure to fit into predefined and outdated norms.
In a nutshell, ‘Sides’ are men who find fulfillment in every kind of sexual act except anal penetration. (Let go of your pearls, Margaret.) Instead, they enjoy various oral, manual, and frictional body techniques. Some might say, “outercouse”.
The idea of being a “Side” is not new; the term, in the gay sexual context, was coined back in 2013 by sex therapist and author Joe Kort when he started a private Facebook page to create a forum of acceptance for others who identified in the same ways he did. “I wanted to create a community,” he said. “I wanted to help people get rid of the loneliness and the shame.”
Although Dr. Kort’s movement has steadily gained momentum since 2013, it took eleven years before “Side” got global recognition. In May of 2022, the “Sides” got their ticket to the big dance when Grindr added “Side” to its list of sexual positions. Each month, nearly 11 million gay men use Grindr to look for a hookup. That’s a lot of eyes seeing the term “Side” for the first time. This is great for spreading awareness and exposure, but ultimately lacking in further understanding because “Side” is not a sexual position. Technically, the terms “Bottom”, “Top”, “Versatile”, and “Side” are sex roles — not positions. Hear me out, bitches.
For instance, a guy’s preferred sex role may be as a Bottom, but his favorite sex position may be the reverse cowgirl. If your preferred sex role is as a Top, maybe your favorite sex position is the figure 4-pile driver combo. And if a guy’s preferred sex role is that of a Side, his favorite non-penetrative sexual position may be the rusty trombone. (Google it.)
Whether you consider these terms roles, position, titles, or moods, the key takeaway is this: Being a “Side” indicates one’s uninterest in anal sex.
And there’s the rub.
This may come as a shock to anyone born post-internet, but “sex” doesn’t just mean anal or vaginal penetration (Again with the pearls, Margaret). Sex can be oral, manual, non-penetrative anal stimulation, and a zillion other erotic and sexual activities that may or may not include nudity, genitals, and mutual touching.
“Sides” can enjoy kissing, manhandling, dry humping, body contact, mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal stimulation, porn, dirty talk, massage, fetishes, watersports, roleplay, and the list goes on.
This seems like an excellent chance to embrace the idea of sexual fluidity. Guys who primarily identify as “Sides” can still occasionally enjoy anal sex, just like a “total Top” will bottom under the right circumstances, such as dim lighting, an abundance of alcohol, plausible deniability, or boredom.
Admittedly, the “Side” remains an elusive and mysterious sexual identity, the unicorn of the dating world, one that is rare, magical, and somewhat challenging to define. The concept of being a “Side” is less of a struggle when you become comfortable with the fact that “real sex” is not defined by penetration but by the sharing of intimacy and vulnerability.
As my grandmother would say, “There is a lid for every pot.” The internet shows us, in real-time, a WIDE variety of sexual pleasures and possibilities. Whatever you get into is what you get into. Except for animals and minors, there is no right or wrong. This is 2024 y’all.
We have and deserve the freedom to experiment and explore different sexual interests and techniques – so do it!
We have a right to choose how to define ourselves and to change our minds if we want to. There are no absolutes in human sexuality. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t (buy yourself a shot if you got that product reference).
If you identify as a “Side,” step up and say ” Hello”, girl. Not being a “Top” or “Bottom” doesn’t make you any less masculine or less gay – and it certainly doesn’t make you any less of a sexual human being.
Live your life! And that goes for all of us.
The next time you’re hungry and looking to whet your sexual appetite, why not try one of the new “Side” dishes as a main course? I suggest adding another for dessert. Life is a banquet. Eat up, pigs.
Thank you for reading. As always, please drop me a line with your comments or suggestions for future topics. Until then…
RyanRockfordNYC@gmail.com
